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Category Archives: Script

INT. FUTURISTIC INFOMERCIAL SET

Joe and Charlene are our two presenters for today’s infomercial. Charlene is a beautiful and voluptuous woman and Joe is a guy in a suit. The set dressing and colors of the place are like that of your typical garish infomercial except more futuristic. Paraphernalia from a 1960’s version of 2000 can be seen scattered about. A banner of a DeKnotifier 4000 – a 1m^3 featureless box with some shiny buttons and a hinged door – hangs in the background. A large blue star with a $199.99! label is stuck to the banner’s top right corner.

        JOE
Welcome viewers. If you are just tuning in then you might be interested in finding out more about our DeKnotifier 4000. What is the Deknotifier 4000 I hear you ask? Well let Charlene our science expert explain. Take it away Charlene.

        CHARLENE
Well the DeKnotifier comes from the Lab of Dr Frink.

        JOE
And what does it do?

        CHARLENE
As I was about to go on to say, Professor-Captain Frink Crankenstein invented it because he was tired of sticking all his cables in a draw and having them get all knotted up.

        JOE
Yes and what did he about it?

        CHARLENE
(clenches and unclenches her jaws as she walks over and points to the image on a curved large screen)
What he did about it Joe, is that he first supposed that we were in a multiverse where you could syphon energy from another universe into ours to either shrink or expand the extra dimensions string theory predicts. Straightforward Extradimensional Topology.

Charlene points a remote at the screen to change the image.

Following from that, he emptied his pantry so he could create a closet universe in there. And then he used an Oracular deluxe quantum computer to calculate the precise energies and collisions required to create a wormhole to another universe localized to a space with a high probability of two colliding supermassive galaxies. He syphoned the energy of this collision into the small closet universe in order to expand a smaller dimension and so create an effective 4 macro spatial closet universe in his pantry…
  
        JOE
And this is useful how?

        CHARLENE
If you didn’t keep interrupting we would know by now. If we stick a tangle in our 4 dimensional closet space it becomes trivial – easy peasy – to unknot it.

        JOE
I thought string theory was considered bunk? This is a wonderful application of string theory!

        CHARLENE
Well for some definition of bunk. But Dr Crankenstein is a mathematician and not a physicist. The usual cumbersome rules of reality don’t strictly apply to him, so he is able to get around them. You are right though, back in the stone ages people thought string theory was useless. It is fitting that string theory would end up so useful in untangling knots.

        JOE
How was he able to commercialize the invention outside his pantry? And please assure our viewers on why they don’t need to worry about the device failing to find colliding super galaxies.
            
        CHARLENE
Dr Crankenstein is not called a Captain-Professor for nothing. He managed to devise a mini oracular quantum chip for cheap so that he could take the closet universe outside of his pantry and replicate it. The device is able to sample from only the highest quality galaxies from the rich landscape of multiverses with near subinfinite precision. There is a (1 – 10^-500)% Guarantee of finding enough energy to disentangle any knot or your money back.

        JOE
(makes a grand gesture at the banner in the background)
So there you have it folks. The DeKnotifier 4000…

        CHARLENE
Wait, I’m not finished.

        JOE
Oh okay, go on then girl!

        CHARLENE
Grr. So yes, the DeKnotifier 4000 allows you to toss a bunch of knots in, you press a kinetic shaking setting and it will untangle even the toughest tangles made up of thousands of wires.

        JOE
Thank you Charlene, isn’t she wonderful folks? Her grasp of science is pretty impressive for a woman.

        CHARLENE
And your intelligence is as feeble as the typical man’s.

        JOE
Haha isn’t she a kidder folks? You heard it here first, to get in on this unique moment please call 1-800-209-7593 now to get your DeKnotifier 4000 for the ultra low one time only sale price of $199.99. Only a hundred bucks folks. Our operators are standing by to take your order now. And be sure to try again if the lines are busy so you don’t miss your chance at this amazing device that is history in the making. Again that is 1-800-209-7593.

Joe walks over to a side table. On the side table are a smaller featureless box with shiny knobs and a smooth unmarked capsule.

And if you call within the next five minutes we will throw in a spare replacement interdimensional decompactificer 1000/0 free of charge. You heard that right, Free of charge! And because we are feeling extra nice today we’ll add a Washer Dryer DeKnotifier 4000/100 Mini Edition. A portable washer dryer deknotifier combo suited for washing laces, socks – pairs not guaranteed unless your edition comes with the axiom of choice, see terms and conditions in the fine print at the top right pixel of your screen – and more. Throw in the most knotted of laces and strings and get them out sparkling clean and deknotted. An amazing deal worth at least $1013 in value.
So call now at 1-800-209-7593. That is 1-800-209-7593. Our operators are standing by folks. Don’t miss your chance at a major history making sale.